Satirical Article by Oke Kay Snyder
In the high-octane drama that is the world of fintech, the share of cliffhangers and plot twists would make even Alfred Hitchcock blush. Take for instance the saga of Vishal Garg, CEO of Better.com, a man who once masterminded the most telecommuted firing squad ever, terminating employees through Zoom, only to face a SPAC disaster that did more than just Zoom out on his prospects.
“Long-term value for shareholders,” said CFO Kevin Ryan in a post-apocalyptic interview, employing a phrase that echoed through Wall Street’s canyons with the absurdity of a laugh track in a funeral home. Sure, if “long-term” is code for “see you in the afterlife,” then we’re all on board, Kevin.
Vishal Garg, the man who worked “really, really hard” to reform himself, must have thought SPAC was an acronym for “Super Promising, Absolutely Cannot-fail.” A penny for your thoughts, Mr. Garg, as that’s approximately what your stock is worth now.
This drama unfolded in real-time, much like a soap opera that even the writers didn’t know how to conclude. “We’re proud to take a huge step in expanding our capacity to innovate the homeownership process,” Garg trumpeted, unaware that his ship was not so much sailing as it was plummeting down a waterfall, Thelma & Louise style.
Ironically, on the day Better.com nosedived faster than a sushi roll off a conveyor belt, another SPAC darling, VinFast Auto, managed to defy gravity. VinFast, the Vietnamese automaker, has now achieved a market cap higher than several countries’ GDP, selling electric vehicles that might as well run on fairy dust and leprechaun tears, given the financial alchemy at work.
By the end of this SPAC-tacular disaster, all were equal in their losses. SoftBank, early investors, day traders—everybody got a slice of humble pie, served directly from the oven of financial ruin. Kevin Ryan called it a “beginning,” but beginnings usually involve steps forward, not a collective faceplant.
So, for those still invested, either emotionally or financially, in Better.com, grab some popcorn. You might not have shares worth anything, but you’ll always have shares in the story of how a fintech company tried to Zoom its way into glory, only to hit the ‘Leave Meeting’ button on its own fortune.
Ah, Better.com, the only thing you’ve made better is late-night comedians’ jobs. After all, it’s not every day you get material this rich—or should we say, this poor?
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Oke Kay Snyder, signing off. ??
